By Jeff Beals
Just like you, I receive too many emails and many of them are mass emails trying to sell something.
The following message showed up in my inbox yesterday under the subject line, “Looking to Connect:”
I’ll keep this short and sweet to make the 26 seconds it takes to read it well worth your time… Yes, I timed it.
I work at [Company X] and we help companies like yours get real results from events they organize with our technology platform. I wanted to learn how you handle this process within your organization and see if [Company X] is something that could contribute to you (sic) existing process.
Do you have 10 minutes to see if I can help?
[Name and Contact Info]
Let’s not beat around the bush – this is a terrible email. It’s getting harder and harder to get people to notice, actually read and then respond to our emails. And it’s not just the mass emails we send; sometimes we struggle to get a sole recipient of a customized email to reply.
I don’t like to pick on people, but let’s use this email as an opportunity to make our own emails better. Here are some problems I noticed:
1. The subject line, “Looking to Connect,” gives the reader no compelling reason to open the message and it doesn’t convey any value to the reader.
2. The message starts with a generic “hello” instead of my name. Even when you’re sending mass emails, it’s super easy to automatically insert each recipient’s name using a myriad of available software programs.
3. The first sentence is gimmicky. I assume the writer was trying to say something witty to catch my attention, but it made me roll my eyes. The first sentence is your most important sentence. Instead of gimmicky or throw-away lines such as “Hope you’re doing well,” it’s better to say something impactful that has value to the reader.
4. The middle paragraph is vague. After reading it a few times, I have an idea what the company does but only an idea. What’s worse, there’s nothing about the text that makes me curious to get more than just an idea.
5. The final sentence/paragraph asks for my most precious and rare resource: time. Why would I give this person any of my time when he sent me a generic, vague message that showed me nothing of value?
6. Overall, the message’s biggest weakness is selfishness. It’s selfish because it’s written totally from the writer’s perspective and for his benefit/convenience. Think about it: He talked about where HE works. He talked about HE wants to learn about my company. He asked for my precious time to see if HE can help me.
The best messages, whether they are to a single person or a group of people, are razor focused on the recipient and what he or she cares about.
What was a good thing about the above message? It was short.
When you write emails, use a compelling subject line, address the person by name, economize your words, avoid cheesy or gimmicky lines, catch their attention by saying something you believe they would value, and most importantly, make the recipient the star of the email, not you.
Jeff Beals shows you how to find better prospects, close more deals and capture greater market share. Jeff is an international award-winning author, sought-after keynote speaker, and accomplished sales consultant. A frequent media guest, Jeff has been featured in Investor’s Business Daily, USA Today, Men’s Health, Chicago Tribune and The New York Times.”
Here’s Why Should You Choose Jeff Beals as Your Next Speaker:
“Jeff Beals has presented four different topics at five of our internal events in 2016. At each event, the audience of commercial real estate principals and agents was completely engaged and motivated the entire time. Jeff facilitates his training sessions in such a way that each member of the audience was able to relate and understand how to apply it every day in the field. Jeff is brilliant, and we have hired him to continue speaking at our events in 2017!” – Lindsay Fierro, Senior Vice President, NAI Global, New York, NY
“Your workshop was a huge experience for our attendees by giving them the opportunity to improve their work in the critical environment in which we are living today. Your talent as a speaker and your qualities as a person made the difference during your time with us. I would certainly recommend you to anyone who asks.” – Ana Paula Costa, Educational Planner, Febracorp, Sao Paulo, Brazil
I’m in Phoenix and had breakfast earlier this morning with our semi-retired sales representative who is doing some continued work for us here. He attended your sales meeting last week and told me that in 43 years of selling, you were the best he had ever heard. Thanks for a great experience.” – Drew Vogel, President & CEO, Diamond Vogel Paints, Orange City, IA
“Our corporate partnership team had great takeaways regarding how to network smarter while also understanding the importance of our personal brand to current and prospective partners. Jeff does a great job weaving in real-world examples and how you can apply his teachings to growing your business and building long-term partnerships.” – Jason Booker, Senior Director of Corporate Sponsorships, The Kansas City Royals Major League Baseball Team